I still can't believe I gave birth a week ago.
We had dinner at my mom's house last night with the dads and Gustave. We had a wonderful time. For me (and I think for my family, too), the dads and this new little life have become sort of an extended part of our family. They will be flying home to Paris late this week, and I know that we will get to see Gustave grow up. We will share pictures of Duncan and Violet and of our family, and the guys will share pictures of their family.
I honestly could not be happier with how things have gone - my agency has been awesome, my IPs have been wonderful, my family and friends have been super supportive, and the pregnancy and birth were mostly enjoyable. I sort of kept expecting something crazy to happen (I think maybe having a miscarriage makes you more leery of things happening during pregnancy ... it did for me), but everything has gone smoothly.
So, one week postpartum. I'm having to pump less (yay!). My bleeding has nearly stopped (double yay!), and my hormones seem to be in check. I had about one day of feeling weepy and nothing since then, so hopefully that was it (I'm chalking it up to not being sleep deprived like you are with your own kids, and also my placenta pills). I feel almost completely normal, which makes me think, again, I still can't believe I gave birth a week ago.
Some random thoughts ...
I was worried about giving birth in the hospital again after having a home birth, but everything was fine. The worst part was the damn IV. I hate needles. Contracting + being stuck in the arm with a needle = NOT COOL. But it was short-lived, and I had it in less than a day.
Seriously enjoyed my recovery time in the hospital. Clark was awesome. All my nurses were awesome. My IPs agreed that the hospital was great - everyone was super nice and has been very helpful with all of the paperwork, legal stuff, and helping them out with a newborn.
I used oils throughout the pregnancy, and felt confident in that decision. I never doubted the safety of doTERRA's oils. I also used their vitamins as my prenatals.
Someone asked on Facebook if I feel any sort of loss from not having a newborn. The simple answer is no. The entire experience was completely different from my own pregnancies with my own children. Gustave was never mine. I never had any desire to keep him - I simply nurtured him and took care of him until it was time for him to go back to his parents. Surrogacy is not for everyone ... but it was wonderful for me, and I thoroughly enjoyed being pregnant (minus the first 8ish weeks). I already miss my belly and feeling a little life moving inside. The only thing I don't really miss is heartburn. :)
This belly band I got is seriously great. I highly recommend them. Got it at Babyology.
I guess that's all. :) Will keep posting if I have more random thoughts come up!
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Birth Story
I'm 4 days postpartum. I also dropped off my kids this morning for their second day of school, and they both clung to me and cried ... so needless to say, I've been crying at the drop of a hat. But, I'm home by myself, so I'm going to write this birth story down before it starts to fade.
If details gross you out, don't read it. :)
On Saturday morning, August 16, I woke up feeling crampy, and I had some bloody show. Wahoo. I went by myself to drop off our clothes and things for a consignment sale, then met my mom at Panera for breakfast. Back at home and still feeling crampy, I thought it would be a good idea to take a nap because I had a feeling I'd be up late. Slept from 1:00 to 3:30.
I felt my first contraction right after dinner while I was still sitting at the table - around 5:30. While the kids played, I decided to get myself and things ready. Put toiletries in my bag, packed chargers, oils, etc. I also let the guys know that "things were happening" and that they should keep their phone close. Eric mowed the grass and a few minutes after he came in, I called out to the kids to come inside. Turns out they had been pouring dirt all over each other and themselves, so bath time was eventful.
After bedtime, I relaxed on the couch and enjoyed some ice cream. Started timing contractions and over the course of 4 hours, they went from 9 minutes to 4-5 minutes apart. None of them were that painful, and didn't last longer than a minute.
My mom came over to wait with us and see how things were going. Around 11, Eric started encouraging me to go to the hospital to get checked. I felt like it was way too early, but seeing as how Violet's birth was 5 hours, I decided to listen. :) Texted/called all the appropriate people, and we were on our way around 11:30 after my dad arrived to stay with the kids.
Called my midwife on the way to the hospital and told her what was going on, and that my husband was encouraging us to come in just to get checked. Her exact words: "Okay, well you sound really calm ..." Ha!
After checking in, we headed upstairs and I got the monitor on for a little bit. My nurse checked me and I was SIX CENTIMETERS dilated. Pure elation ensued. :) Everyone arrived (Eric, mom, the two dads, doula, and photographer/friend) after I was settled into my room, and we all just hung out while I labored. Seemed to me that things progressed slowly, but before I knew it, I was feeling pushy. I spent only a little bit of time in the water - just wasn't comfortable. Eric and my nurse were both fabulous, even when I peed on the floor in front of everyone.
My midwife came in about 4:30 and I let her break my water. I was in transition and kept saying, "I don't know. I just don't know," and, "I can't do it," and, "I just want him out." It was a little intense. I was terrified of tearing like I had with Duncan - 3rd degree. After some encouragement from my nurse, I got down to business and pushed ... and Gustave was born after a few long pushes at 5:02.
RELIEF. Sweet, sweet RELIEF.
I pushed him out on my hands and knees (just like I pushed Violet out), and my head was resting on 4 pillows. I just stayed there for a minute, with my eyes closed, listening to what was going on. I reached out and held one of the dad's hands. That was a super special moment. I don't know if anyone saw it, but I'll always remember it.
Finally flipped over and put the little guy on my chest. Pushed out the placenta, and my midwife sewed me up (just one long stitch - I had a 1st degree tear, apparently caused by the little guy's nose). I felt strange having Gustave on my chest without having met his parents yet, so I gladly passed the little guy off to bond with them while I was cleaned up, rested a little, and got up to go to the bathroom. Gustave was finally weighed and measured around 6:30, and we were moved to our recovery rooms.
Sunday was a bit of a blur. Eric and I slept on and off, and we ate. After lunch he went home to see the kids, and I was alone for the afternoon. He came back with my mom that evening, with sushi and coke, and then I slept alone that night. I woke up every 3 hours to pump colostrum for Gustave, had vitals taken twice, peed once, and some lady came in to take a vial of blood.
I spent the majority of Monday waiting to be discharged. Eric and the kids came to visit around 4, and I was finally released around 5.
Sigh.
So days 1 and 2 I felt fabulous. Physically, things are going the way they are supposed to ... I'm not pumping for Gustave anymore, so I'm working on drying up my milk. It sucks. Can't lie. Bleeding is slowing down. Pooping is back to normal (come on, all those that have had kids know how difficult that first poop is), belly is shrinking, and I'm walking almost normally.
Mentally, I am struggling just a little bit ... weepy, a little anxious. Just normal postpartum hormones, but they are still no fun, and the fact that my baby girl just started school (and screams when I leave) is not helping.
With regards to the surrogacy, the experience has been amazing. I'm sad that it's all coming to an end, but that doesn't mean that I want to do it again. Ask me again in six months. I still have a lot of feelings to process. I do not in any way feel like I "gave up my baby" or anything like that, and feel just fine about the fact that I am not taking care of Gustave. I actually feel quite relieved about that. Seeing the looks on the dads' faces after their son was born is something I'll never forget, and I feel proud to have been such a big part of creating a new family.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. :)
If details gross you out, don't read it. :)
On Saturday morning, August 16, I woke up feeling crampy, and I had some bloody show. Wahoo. I went by myself to drop off our clothes and things for a consignment sale, then met my mom at Panera for breakfast. Back at home and still feeling crampy, I thought it would be a good idea to take a nap because I had a feeling I'd be up late. Slept from 1:00 to 3:30.
I felt my first contraction right after dinner while I was still sitting at the table - around 5:30. While the kids played, I decided to get myself and things ready. Put toiletries in my bag, packed chargers, oils, etc. I also let the guys know that "things were happening" and that they should keep their phone close. Eric mowed the grass and a few minutes after he came in, I called out to the kids to come inside. Turns out they had been pouring dirt all over each other and themselves, so bath time was eventful.
After bedtime, I relaxed on the couch and enjoyed some ice cream. Started timing contractions and over the course of 4 hours, they went from 9 minutes to 4-5 minutes apart. None of them were that painful, and didn't last longer than a minute.
My mom came over to wait with us and see how things were going. Around 11, Eric started encouraging me to go to the hospital to get checked. I felt like it was way too early, but seeing as how Violet's birth was 5 hours, I decided to listen. :) Texted/called all the appropriate people, and we were on our way around 11:30 after my dad arrived to stay with the kids.
Called my midwife on the way to the hospital and told her what was going on, and that my husband was encouraging us to come in just to get checked. Her exact words: "Okay, well you sound really calm ..." Ha!
After checking in, we headed upstairs and I got the monitor on for a little bit. My nurse checked me and I was SIX CENTIMETERS dilated. Pure elation ensued. :) Everyone arrived (Eric, mom, the two dads, doula, and photographer/friend) after I was settled into my room, and we all just hung out while I labored. Seemed to me that things progressed slowly, but before I knew it, I was feeling pushy. I spent only a little bit of time in the water - just wasn't comfortable. Eric and my nurse were both fabulous, even when I peed on the floor in front of everyone.
My midwife came in about 4:30 and I let her break my water. I was in transition and kept saying, "I don't know. I just don't know," and, "I can't do it," and, "I just want him out." It was a little intense. I was terrified of tearing like I had with Duncan - 3rd degree. After some encouragement from my nurse, I got down to business and pushed ... and Gustave was born after a few long pushes at 5:02.
RELIEF. Sweet, sweet RELIEF.
I pushed him out on my hands and knees (just like I pushed Violet out), and my head was resting on 4 pillows. I just stayed there for a minute, with my eyes closed, listening to what was going on. I reached out and held one of the dad's hands. That was a super special moment. I don't know if anyone saw it, but I'll always remember it.
Finally flipped over and put the little guy on my chest. Pushed out the placenta, and my midwife sewed me up (just one long stitch - I had a 1st degree tear, apparently caused by the little guy's nose). I felt strange having Gustave on my chest without having met his parents yet, so I gladly passed the little guy off to bond with them while I was cleaned up, rested a little, and got up to go to the bathroom. Gustave was finally weighed and measured around 6:30, and we were moved to our recovery rooms.
Sunday was a bit of a blur. Eric and I slept on and off, and we ate. After lunch he went home to see the kids, and I was alone for the afternoon. He came back with my mom that evening, with sushi and coke, and then I slept alone that night. I woke up every 3 hours to pump colostrum for Gustave, had vitals taken twice, peed once, and some lady came in to take a vial of blood.
I spent the majority of Monday waiting to be discharged. Eric and the kids came to visit around 4, and I was finally released around 5.
Sigh.
So days 1 and 2 I felt fabulous. Physically, things are going the way they are supposed to ... I'm not pumping for Gustave anymore, so I'm working on drying up my milk. It sucks. Can't lie. Bleeding is slowing down. Pooping is back to normal (come on, all those that have had kids know how difficult that first poop is), belly is shrinking, and I'm walking almost normally.
Mentally, I am struggling just a little bit ... weepy, a little anxious. Just normal postpartum hormones, but they are still no fun, and the fact that my baby girl just started school (and screams when I leave) is not helping.
With regards to the surrogacy, the experience has been amazing. I'm sad that it's all coming to an end, but that doesn't mean that I want to do it again. Ask me again in six months. I still have a lot of feelings to process. I do not in any way feel like I "gave up my baby" or anything like that, and feel just fine about the fact that I am not taking care of Gustave. I actually feel quite relieved about that. Seeing the looks on the dads' faces after their son was born is something I'll never forget, and I feel proud to have been such a big part of creating a new family.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. :)
Thursday, July 24, 2014
36 weeks
I had such good intentions of blogging daily, but that obviously did not happen. Seems like I need some self-discipline!
So here I am at 34 weeks ... today I am 36 weeks and 2 days. I have been feeling good, but can tell I am in the home stretch. Turning over in bed is an event in itself, and I feel like staying on the couch and watching HGTV most days. However, I do my best to stay active and do manage to do laundry and make dinner.
The daddies are arriving in a little less than 2 weeks, on August 4. I will be so relieved when they get here. Of course I do not want this little boy (yes, boy!) to come any earlier than he is ready, but mentally, I am ready for things to happen. I know it's this way with most pregnancies, but there's so much build up with a surrogacy to THE DAY, and I'm growing anxious!
As far as the birth is concerned, I'm trying not to worry about how things will go. They're going to happen how they happen, and I know I won't have much control over any of it. My biggest concern is actually MAKING it to the hospital, as Violet's birth was 5 hours from start to finish. I know that not many people can say they truly enjoy labor (at least not while they're 'in the moment'), but I want to have time to go into myself and truly comprehend and experience what is going on ... which I did not have time to do with Violet. My midwife didn't make the birth, and had she been born 15 minutes before she was, her birth would have been totally unassisted. Craziness.
For this surrogacy, the birth is IT. That's what I get. I don't get the baby (which is fine!), I don't get the cuddles and the bonding (again, which is fine) - I get the birth and the enjoyment of seeing these two fabulous people see THEIR baby for the very first time. It will be a very emotional time, and I'm fully expecting to be overrun with emotions.
People keep asking me if I'm going to be a surrogate again. I'm undecided. A lot of it depends on how quickly things get back to normal, how quickly I can fit into my clothes again, and whether or not the daddies want a sibling for this baby.
We shall see! For now, I'm just taking it one day at a time, and enjoying almost every minute!
The daddies are arriving in a little less than 2 weeks, on August 4. I will be so relieved when they get here. Of course I do not want this little boy (yes, boy!) to come any earlier than he is ready, but mentally, I am ready for things to happen. I know it's this way with most pregnancies, but there's so much build up with a surrogacy to THE DAY, and I'm growing anxious!
As far as the birth is concerned, I'm trying not to worry about how things will go. They're going to happen how they happen, and I know I won't have much control over any of it. My biggest concern is actually MAKING it to the hospital, as Violet's birth was 5 hours from start to finish. I know that not many people can say they truly enjoy labor (at least not while they're 'in the moment'), but I want to have time to go into myself and truly comprehend and experience what is going on ... which I did not have time to do with Violet. My midwife didn't make the birth, and had she been born 15 minutes before she was, her birth would have been totally unassisted. Craziness.
For this surrogacy, the birth is IT. That's what I get. I don't get the baby (which is fine!), I don't get the cuddles and the bonding (again, which is fine) - I get the birth and the enjoyment of seeing these two fabulous people see THEIR baby for the very first time. It will be a very emotional time, and I'm fully expecting to be overrun with emotions.
People keep asking me if I'm going to be a surrogate again. I'm undecided. A lot of it depends on how quickly things get back to normal, how quickly I can fit into my clothes again, and whether or not the daddies want a sibling for this baby.
We shall see! For now, I'm just taking it one day at a time, and enjoying almost every minute!
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
21 weeks
Very hard to believe that we are half way through this pregnancy. The guys are so excited - reading their reactions to what happens makes my heart smile.
Big ultrasound was last Friday and all went well - 2 arms, 2 legs, all other important body parts accounted for. Such a relief. Between 10 and 20 weeks, there's nothing to let you know that everything is fine except the growing belly. Just in the last week have I started to feel daily kicks - especially when I have to pee!
So far, this pregnancy has not been too much different physically than my own pregnancies (a little worse during the first trimester, which I am attributing to the IVF medications). Emotionally, I am not attached to this baby like I was my own - I do not daydream about the baby's place in our lives. I am, however, enjoying watching my belly grow and feeling the kicks, and I daydream about delivery day when these amazing guys will meet their baby. I'm sure I've said this before, but I feel like more of a woman when I am pregnant than when I am not. I feel empowered and beautiful and feminine. And yes, I am looking forward to labor. :)
The only unpleasantness I've been experiencing is heartburn and worsening varicose veins. I am actually pleasantly surprised by my weight gain! FINALLY went to my first prenatal yoga class (thank you, OwlTree Yoga!!) this morning and I feel renewed and almost like a new woman! I've been going to the chiropractor every two weeks, and been getting one prenatal massage a month. Feeling healthy, both inside and out.
A little disappointing news - the guys were going to come visit in May to see me and figure out the city a little bit, and find a place to stay for August, but they've decided to just do one visit. They'll be arriving in late July or early August, which will be plenty of time to acclimate to Louisville and figure some important details out, but I was looking forward to seeing them again. As a result of this news, we will be having a gender reveal this weekend via Skype. Looking forward to it!
Big ultrasound was last Friday and all went well - 2 arms, 2 legs, all other important body parts accounted for. Such a relief. Between 10 and 20 weeks, there's nothing to let you know that everything is fine except the growing belly. Just in the last week have I started to feel daily kicks - especially when I have to pee!
So far, this pregnancy has not been too much different physically than my own pregnancies (a little worse during the first trimester, which I am attributing to the IVF medications). Emotionally, I am not attached to this baby like I was my own - I do not daydream about the baby's place in our lives. I am, however, enjoying watching my belly grow and feeling the kicks, and I daydream about delivery day when these amazing guys will meet their baby. I'm sure I've said this before, but I feel like more of a woman when I am pregnant than when I am not. I feel empowered and beautiful and feminine. And yes, I am looking forward to labor. :)
The only unpleasantness I've been experiencing is heartburn and worsening varicose veins. I am actually pleasantly surprised by my weight gain! FINALLY went to my first prenatal yoga class (thank you, OwlTree Yoga!!) this morning and I feel renewed and almost like a new woman! I've been going to the chiropractor every two weeks, and been getting one prenatal massage a month. Feeling healthy, both inside and out.
A little disappointing news - the guys were going to come visit in May to see me and figure out the city a little bit, and find a place to stay for August, but they've decided to just do one visit. They'll be arriving in late July or early August, which will be plenty of time to acclimate to Louisville and figure some important details out, but I was looking forward to seeing them again. As a result of this news, we will be having a gender reveal this weekend via Skype. Looking forward to it!
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Long overdue update
Lots of fabulous developments ...
*I'll be 10 weeks on Tuesday!
*If all goes well at the ultrasound on Thursday, it will be the last appointment at the monitoring clinic before I can go to my own provider. Yay!
*And again, if all goes well on Thursday, we will be DONE with shots! Will be very thankful for that.
We had our first post-transfer ultrasound the day after Christmas and we saw the tiny heartbeat with the embryo measuring right on schedule. We had another on January 9, with everything fine again, and the last one is this coming Thursday.
Christmas break was a little rough, I have to be honest. I don't remember feeling so nauseous with my own children, but I spent a lot of time on the couch while my kids watched Toy Story 1 and 2, Mary Poppins, and Horton Hears a Who. I'm feeling better every day, though, and never threw up, so I'm thankful for that.
Going to start doing prenatal yoga soon - I finally ordered a video from Amazon.
I feel ... pregnant.
Not having any second thoughts. Very excited thinking about the dads meeting their baby!
*I'll be 10 weeks on Tuesday!
*If all goes well at the ultrasound on Thursday, it will be the last appointment at the monitoring clinic before I can go to my own provider. Yay!
*And again, if all goes well on Thursday, we will be DONE with shots! Will be very thankful for that.
We had our first post-transfer ultrasound the day after Christmas and we saw the tiny heartbeat with the embryo measuring right on schedule. We had another on January 9, with everything fine again, and the last one is this coming Thursday.
Christmas break was a little rough, I have to be honest. I don't remember feeling so nauseous with my own children, but I spent a lot of time on the couch while my kids watched Toy Story 1 and 2, Mary Poppins, and Horton Hears a Who. I'm feeling better every day, though, and never threw up, so I'm thankful for that.
Going to start doing prenatal yoga soon - I finally ordered a video from Amazon.
I feel ... pregnant.
Not having any second thoughts. Very excited thinking about the dads meeting their baby!
Monday, December 9, 2013
Positive
Our trip to California was fabulous. The transfer itself took about 5 minutes and was painless. Such a significant procedure, but so simple. The transfer was Sunday and I was in bed for 24 hours. The next two days were very low-key, but we did manage to see some fun sites before flying home on Wednesday.
I took a test on Thursday and Friday, both of which were negative. I had been feeling crampy all week, so I knew something was up. Then I woke up on Saturday and said to myself, "It's going to be positive today." And it was! So naturally I took a test again on Sunday, and finally a digital one this morning. Betas on Wednesday, and then again on Friday if they're not over 100.
Haven't told the guys yet - waiting for betas to be sure, but I know they'll be over the moon!
I'm feeling great! Tired ... but a good tired. And on that note, it's nap time. :)
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Transfer week update
The doc retrieved 26 eggs from the donor yesterday. 15 fertilized.
First progesterone shot was last night - built it up in my head like none other, but it wasn't horrible. Eric is a good shot-giver. :)
I am doing everything I know and can do to get my mind and body in the right place for the transfer and the pregnancy. Yesterday I had an appointment with one of my favorite people, Dr. Rebecca Cohen of Full Circle Holistic. ("hippie stuff" to follow ...) We cleared the space in my pelvic bowl, balanced the muscles in it (we all hold stress in our pelvic bowl, just like we do in our shoulders), did some meditations, and I left feeling super prepared for what is to come. I also have a flower essence from the madonna lily. Read about it here. I have a vaginal steam bath for the morning of the transfer (calendula), and some fabulous reading for the plane. Looking forward to reading this book!
While the baby I'll be growing and nurturing for nine months is not mine, I still consider this journey a spiritual one. I never feel more connected to Mother Nature and feel more like a woman than when I'm pregnant. I fully intend on doing everything I can to embrace this journey, both physically and spiritually. Being prepared in such a way will help me when the time does come to hand the baby back to his/her parents, and it will also help me as a mother to Duncan and Violet.
First progesterone shot was last night - built it up in my head like none other, but it wasn't horrible. Eric is a good shot-giver. :)
I am doing everything I know and can do to get my mind and body in the right place for the transfer and the pregnancy. Yesterday I had an appointment with one of my favorite people, Dr. Rebecca Cohen of Full Circle Holistic. ("hippie stuff" to follow ...) We cleared the space in my pelvic bowl, balanced the muscles in it (we all hold stress in our pelvic bowl, just like we do in our shoulders), did some meditations, and I left feeling super prepared for what is to come. I also have a flower essence from the madonna lily. Read about it here. I have a vaginal steam bath for the morning of the transfer (calendula), and some fabulous reading for the plane. Looking forward to reading this book!
While the baby I'll be growing and nurturing for nine months is not mine, I still consider this journey a spiritual one. I never feel more connected to Mother Nature and feel more like a woman than when I'm pregnant. I fully intend on doing everything I can to embrace this journey, both physically and spiritually. Being prepared in such a way will help me when the time does come to hand the baby back to his/her parents, and it will also help me as a mother to Duncan and Violet.
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